Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
should my penis look like a turkey
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Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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