dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
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