got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
