he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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