HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
