I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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