So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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