Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
