I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We just shotgunned beers for America
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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