I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
