i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
