My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Jerry, you need to find god
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
