saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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