I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
