a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
