Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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