3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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