when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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