I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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