GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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