hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
