I hate all girls vehemently.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
