i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
