i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
