saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
