I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it hurts more in the daytime
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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