This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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