i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
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im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
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dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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