I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
