I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
