I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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