I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
