Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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