haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
