she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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