I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
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