I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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