i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
don't judge my taste in strippers
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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