Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
