before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you had me at cake vodka
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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