I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
