once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
