i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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