you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
