I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
