Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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