I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
