I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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