the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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