I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
