I'd wear matching sweaters with you
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
