If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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