Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
