She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
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So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
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You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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