Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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