I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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