two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
