i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
