when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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