Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar