I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?