Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?