Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my sisters under your porch take her home
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?