love makes seman taste better
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.