I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
